Tuesday, May 4, 2010

How To Eat A Cupcake

Cupcakes are quaint, adorable little creations that are pretty much the bug-eyed kitten of the baked good world.  But sadly, they can be a pain in the ass to eat.

This is especially apparent with all the cupcake stores opening around the city (Big City Cupcakes, Cupcakes, and so on).  I've noticed the struggle to walk down the street, or casually perch outside the store and eat the newly purchased cupcake while trying to uphold the inherent cute factor and not turn into some sort of rabid dingo devouring a baby.

In light of this problem-- and to help all of you, really-- I've taken a closer look at the three most common methods for eating a cupcake and listed their pros and cons.  I have a clear favourite, but I guess I'll let you decide on your own and judge you harshly in the meantime.


Method A:  Given'r



This is by far the most preferred method of cupcake consumption.  When Given'r, the eater eats the cupcake in full with no alterations to its appearance.  The mouth is generally extended as wide as physically possible to ensure complete and even icing and cupcake proportions.

Pros: Requires no alterations to the cupcake's appearance.  It's common, so you'll look relatively normal. Good means of displaying mouth girth.

Cons: Bad for larger cupcakes or cupcakes with excess (adequate? your call) proportions of icing.  High risk of making some seriously unfortunate expressions as you struggle to fit the whole height of the cupcake in your mouth.  Moderate risk of uneven icing distribution.  Moderate risk of crumbles.


Method B: The Hamburger



For The Hamburger, the bottom half of the cupcake is separated from the top and placed firmly atop the icing.  The cupcake then resembles a sandwich and the eater consumes it as such.

Pros:  Less mess.  Ensures even icing and cupcake proportions.  Low risk of before mentioned unfortunate expressions during biting stage.  People will be wowed with your efficiency.

Cons:  Moderate risk of loss to cupcake's cute factor.  Moderate risk of crumbles during initial separation.


Method C: The Cutter



Method C is commonly used for at-home cupcake eating, unless the eater is truly committed (to an asylum) and brings cutlery with them on bakery jaunts.  For The Cutter, the cupcake is sliced into two or more pieces, either intended to be eaten all in one sitting, or in several.  Occasionally, the icing may be relocated to the side of the slice for ease of eating and more even distribution.

Pros:  In a multi-cupcake situation, gives eater(s) the opportunity to sample many flavours without post-treat gut pain.  Allows better control over how much cupcake you eat in one sitting.

Cons:  High risk of still eating the whole damn thing anyway.



Clearly, I favour Method B as it's obviously the smartest, most efficient way to eat a cupcake.  But to be on the safe side I recommend going with the minis.  They're bite sized, possibly cuter, and you get to pretend to be a giant!



How do you eat cupcakes?

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